Saturday, 23 May 2015

Past Pity

Generally, I tend to be a pessimist - a 'glass half empty' type of person.  I'm not sure why - but for as long as I can remember, I've always found it easier to notice what I don't have rather than what I do, or what I can't do rather than what I can.  I'm having this challenged lately, as friends support me to look at what is possible in my life and encourage me to try new things, explore, and 'get out there'.  

There have been too many 'new things' over the past 10 months to count!  A new home, a new job, and new relationship status to mention the big changes - but along with each of those big changes have come dozens of smaller changes.  Despite having survived the past year (and that was an accomplishment in itself) I've actually managed to - dare I say - thrive a tiny little bit.    

It's easy, though, to think of all the things I've lost - a partner who I could share every intimate detail of my life with - a home which I'd had for 5 years and had really made my own - and a lifestyle which I've enjoyed.  Walking past a canal is bittersweet when I remember all the happy times I've had on my boat and happier times in my marriage.  

It's not easy to keep reminding myself that I'm going forward - not backward - and that new things are on the horizon - new things that I don't need to fear.  I have to work hard to remind myself that 16 years ago I arrived in the UK with one suitcase and no idea what the hell I was doing.  I have been brave.  I can be brave.  I have accomplished  fair bit in my life.  I can accomplish more.  

The worst thing about self pity - for me at least - is that it colours and poisons every aspect of my life - not just the things I'm unhappy about - but also the things I'm happy about.  It really is a poison - that contaminates and kills.  I may never become a 'glass half full' person - but I've got to become a person who looks at what I have rather than what I haven't, and what I might be able to gain instead of what I've lost.