Filing

I'm not by nature a tidy person - but every once in a while I like to have a good tidy.  I file away all my bank statements, sort out bits and bobs, maybe chuck out a few things too.  I am a horder of sorts - especially paper.  I've hung on to all the letters (remember letters?) my parents, grandparents, brothers, and friends sent to me when I first moved to England.  Reading through them brings me great comfort - and so I don't like to through away anything with actual handwriting on it!  

I've had a few days off and so I decided to do a bit of a tidy up and found my folder of 'wedding things' - all the cards were were given when we got married, a handwritten copy of the speech I gave, and photos of Andrew and I on our 'special day'.  I read through some of the cards - people wishing us a happy life together, and sending their love.  After a few minutes I had to stop - it was a bit too much.

I wondered, if I could go back in time to visit myself before my wedding, would I warn myself that the marriage was not going to last?   What would I have gained - and lost - had I done that.

Mostly, I felt a bit sorry for the two men in the photographs - Andrew and I.  They looked so happy - and they didn't know it was all going to come to an end 9 years (to the day!) down the line.  Then I realized that it wasn't those two men I was feeling sorry for - it was myself - and I can't afford to wallow in self pity these days.  So, I put the folder of 'wedding things' away.  It's not 'filed' yet.  Just set aside until the day when I feel ready to file it.